Jailhouse holding tanks are usually bugged with hidden microphones and video cameras. This technology is only incidentally for your protection. Its primary function is to provide the judicial system with an opportunity to gather more incriminating evidence.

*

Whomever you call, never discuss your case on the phone. Any admission of guilt will be used against you in court. Let us repeat: Any admission of guilt will be used against you in court.

The same warning applies to mail, both sent or received, which will be opened and copied by jail staff. Remember, you have no privacy in jail, and every word you say, phone call you make, or letter you write, can be used in court to make a case against you or drum up additional indictments against you or others.

*

In general, with few exceptions, attorneys want their money up front, in advance, or they leave you to throw yourself on the mercy of the court. The reasons are simple enough. If you are found guilty and sent to prison, you will be in no mood to pay your legal bill. Also, many of their clients are crooks who are not overly inclined toward scrupulous bill-paying in the first place. These facts lawyers know only too well, so they will exert great pressure on you to pay up front before your case is decided. You must resist their demands for large sums of money and only pay the attorney a portion of what they ask.

Defense attorneys are like stockbrokers: They collect their fees and commissions on the amount of business they do, no matter whether their customers win or lose. As officers of the court, their first allegiance is to the legal system, even at the expense of their clients. Most lawyers who practice in criminal courts make a good living losing most of their cases, a fact that they rarely share with their clients.

*

You may think the 14th Amendment guarantees you due process, meaning bail, attorney, and a trial by peers. Unfortunately, after being locked up in the county jail, you discover that bail may be denied, lawyers are expensive, and few defendants ever get a trial. The fact is, most people plead guilty to a lesser or reduced charge simply because they get tired of being locked up in jail, their legal defense funds run out, and they fear the possible consequences of losing a trial.

These are the cold, hard equations of crime and punishment. Most cases never go to trial. The attorney persuades the defendant (often after the lawyer has bled the patient dry of money for pre-trial hearings) not to go to trial, arguing that if they lose -- and they probably will -- they will be sentenced to the full extent of the law.

Yes, you have a Constitutional right to a fair trial, but if you exercise that right and lose the case, the prosecution most likely will demand severe sentencing penalties, in return for your having made them take the case to trial.

*

Another possibility, rarely understood by first-time defendants, but well known to those with lengthier police records, is that once you plead guilty, which becomes public record and part of your police criminal justice dossier, you are more likely to be rearrested, and are easier to convict.

*

The Federal Bureau of Prisons (FBOP) is thought by convicts to operate a better system than most states. The prisons are cleaner, with more desirable food, and the prison staff is better educated, trained, and paid. It is fair to say that most prisoners would prefer to do federal time, day for day, as compared to state time.

That said, federal prisoners are usually allowed fewer material possessions than state convicts. Individuals serving time in state prisons may have their own televisions, collections of books, music, clothes, and posters or pictures hung on their cell walls. Federal prison cells are more austere. These prisoners are restricted to only basic items, such as five books, toiletries, and a few changes of institutional clothes, no television. All of these possessions must be able to fit in one small locker.

*

You will find that every cellblock has "jailhouse lawyers" who will give you more truth than your attorney ever dared to share. (In case you were wondering, jailhouse lawyers are looked down upon by prison administrators, because they can file legal briefs for themselves and fellow inmates; it's not unusual for cons well versed in the law to find themselves transferred frequently.)

*

The Convict Code

What follows is the convict code, at least the idealized version cons give lip service to and outwardly endorse:

Do:
Mind your own business
Watch what you say
Be loyal to convicts as a group
Play it cool
Be sharp
Be honorable
Do your own time
Be tough
Be a man
Pay your debts

Don't:
Snitch on another convict
Pressure another convict
Lose your head
Attract attention
Exploit other convicts
Break your word

*

Warning: Many men and women with no previous drug experience have become addicted to narcotics while in prison.

*

Although all gambling is against official rules, it is a common practice throughout the prison system -- especially sports betting -- and it is probably responsible for more institutional violence than drugs or gang affiliation.

*

You buy enough food to cover the cafeteria meals you plan to skip, and store it in your locker. In short, this scenario should convince you that it costs money to live in prison. Most estimates suggest that you need about $100 a month to go to commissary, and more if you smoke.

Most prisoners keep instant coffee or tea -- which, like everything else, they buy from commissary -- in their locker. Provided the dormitory or cellblock has hot water, you can prepare hot drinks, even soup, in coffee cups. Some lower-security institutions may even provide microwave ovens for the use of prisoners to heat up commissary or vending machine items. The prison administrators are happy to have you pay for your own food.

*

Her's another scenario. You make 20 bucks a month. You got it all worked out what you're going to buy and what it's going to cost you, but your calculations are off by a few cents and you don't have enough money. That's enough for a correctional officer to forego giving you commissary that time. Hacks have little patience for sloppy arithmetic or bad attitudes.

How do you get money placed in your commissary account? One way is for outsiders to mail you a postal money order. The officers, when they inspect the mail, are supposed to take it out and place it in your name on the books. Alternatively, the meager amount of money you make, your pay, gets placed in the account.

Why does this system exist? Part of the reason is that you're not allowed to carry any dollar bills or coins in most prisons. The administration doesn't want you to have any money to use if you escape.

Prison administrators never tell convicts how much money they have in their accounts. Nor are the officers going to tell you. You're supposed to keep track of it. They don't maintain a system like a bank, which mails you a monthly statement, nor are there any ATM machines for easy access.

*

For example, gang bangers (members) may try to extort cigarettes from you or do a cell invasion in which they simply run into your house and grab your stuff. If you don't retaliate, they'll continue to do it to you. In this case, you may think that it's in your best interest to either join another gang for self-protection or "strap up" (get a shank) and hunt down your perpetrators and stick and cut them.

*